Happiness and Effectiveness EVP
San Francisco
The Role:
The Happiness and Effectiveness EVP will be responsible for creating, implementing, driving, realizing, designing, constructing, conceiving, and empowering programs that increase the wellbeing and productivity of The Company employees. Productivity will be measured through company performance and wellbeing will be measured through opinions of most vocal and favored employees of CEO who make up .002% of the organization.
The Responsibilities:
> Oversee all Happiness and Effectiveness Teams including but not limited to Wellness at Work Team ©, Live Animals at Work Team ©, Spontaneous Parades at Work Team ©, Volunteerism at Work Team ©, Kids Take Over Work Day at Work Team ©, Mommies at Work Team ©, Daddies at Work Team ©, Siblings at Work Team ©, Lean In at Work Team ©, Journaling at Work Team ©, Work Team Reeeemix!! at Work Team ©, and Working at Work Team ©
> Collaborate with key stakeholders on new and innovative programs
> Build strong, innovative relationships with program leads and favored employees of CEO
> Create perceived symbiotic relationship between The Company and employees despite reality of purely transactional relationship and disposable nature of all employees
The Requirements (Education and Certification):
> BA in Psychology from Yale
> Dual-Masters in Psychology/Organizational Psychology from Yale
> Tri-PhD in Psychology/Organizational Psychology/Physics of Emotion from Yale
> Student of the Month K-12
The Requirements (Personality):
> Overcame or in the process of overcoming high stakes personal drama, ability to talk about drama at length and connect it with uplifting message (specifics of uplifting message not relevant)
> Passionate about others, puts others first, ignores own basic needs if in service of others
> Strong ability to understand business acumen
> Inspiring
> Strong, nuanced sense of humor
> Attractive